My Wonderful Mother

The woman I call my mom is not in society's terms my "real" mother. My father has been married five times and one of these women was Rhonda (he actually married two different women named Rhonda but that is a whole other story). She came into my life when I was in first grade and though her marriage to my father was short-lived she was in my life to stay. When my father packed his bags and moved out, Rhonda and I begged him to let me stay, if only for a few months to finish the school year. I was almost done with third grade by this time. He did let me stay and actually never cared to come get me back, which in restrospect I am so incredibly grateful for. I loved Rhonda from the day I met her. Maybe it was because I had never experienced a mother before but I could not physically leave her side sometimes. She tells me she would wake up to find me laying on the floor next to her bed and sometimes she would have to call me in absent to school because I was beside myself with the idea of her leaving me. I was a model student in high school making sure to not get into any trouble because there was no way I was disappointing someone that very well could have saved my life. When I was in my first semester of college at MCCKC, the rebelliousness finally caught up with me and I started misbehaving...bad. Drug and alcohol addiction don't just run in my family, they take up whole sides of my family. Rhonda knew this but the more she pushed I pushed back. We got into a huge row and I left the house and didn't call or return for almost a week, which is the longest I had not spoken to her since that fateful day in first grade. We met up at her office after hours to talk things out and she asked me why I would do these things knowing what road I could go down. I told her what I had never voice out loud to anyone: she would leave me someday...when she figured out she didn't have to stay. I was unloveable. She stared at me like I had slapped her. I am sure I looked the same since I had no idea where those words even came from. I guess deep down I thought that eventually there would be no reason for her to stay. You see, she wasn't my real mother and had no obligation to love me. I knew this so she had to know this too. She stared me down and told me that she would never leave me, always love me, and that I was her child whether I liked it or not. We did the normal female thing of hugging and rocking while crying at the same time. To this day, that is such a shining and defining moment in my life. I am worthwhile and I am capable of loving and allowing myself to be loved and I have my true mother-of-the-heart to thank for it. I love you Momma, more that you can ever imagine.

Looking Back on Something....

Last Tuesday was my 25th birthday. While for some people this is just a distant memory or a vague thought of the future, I really did not think I would get here this fast. A quarter of a century come and gone in my life. My mother always told me that the older you get, the faster time goes and boy, was she ever right. I look at my daughter and see an almost four year old that is losing her chubby cheeks and arms. She is growing slimmer, smarter, and definitely sassier. While I am so proud of the little person she is, sometimes I look at her and can literally see the adult she will become someday and it scares the hell out of me. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years now and I think back to being twenty years old when we met, thinking I was invincible and oh-so relationship savvy for my age and I know I would laugh if I ever met myself in person from then. Brian has grown so much in the years we have been together and I sometimes I just look at him and I literally can't breath from the gratefulness I give to God for bringing him into my life. I got dinner at my mom's house which included my favorite of bacon and pineapple grilled chicken with strawberry cake (with real strawberries in it). I got keyless entry for my car, a gift card to Gordman's, a scribbled heart from Kendra and some smelly good stuff. When I look back at the spectacular birthdays I had as a kid, you would think there is no way in comparison this puny pile of presents could make this the best birthday...but it was. To date, this was the best birthday I have had. Surrounded by my friends and family with good food and conversation I could not imagine a better life than the one I had right at that moment. While the years may fly, I will make sure to stop and appreciate these moments because no one else gets that one shining, perfectly unique moment exactly like it but me.

Casual Encounter

I went to the Dollar Tree last Thursday after class, which is a place I frequent more than I probably should. I had just picked up my three year old from Nana and Granddad's house when we decided that we could stop for a minute, and maybe even get some Icee pops.

 There was an old man in line behind us who was trying to play peek-a-boo with Kendra and needless to say my child is a snob. She is afraid of everyone and is not afraid to give someone the stank-eye (including great-grandma) if they get too close. I am torn between trying to get her to be friendlier to strangers, or relatives she doesn't often see, or respecting her boundaries and letting her stay wrapped around my legs mostly out of sight.

I struck up a conversation with him and found out shortly that he had four grown children of his own, seven grandchildren, and one great-grandbaby on the way which him and his wife were going to go visit for a few weeks down in Arizona when he was born. You could see his chest puff up with pride in the fact that he helped make the family which had grown so big. I asked him how he and his wife handled staying together all of those year with four kids without at least one "accidental" murder happening (maybe not in those exact words).

While I was waiting for him to say something deep or profound, he simply shrugged his shoulders and went back to playing peek-a-boo with Kendra. Before we left he waved and she gave a tiny, you-could-almost-miss-it, wave back and he just rocked back on his heels with a smile. Maybe perseverance is the key to anything you really want in life, even the small triumphs.

Perception

When you think about meeting people for the first time we all make automatic assumptions. One of the things I love most about going to college, especially non-traditional, is that I meet so many different people I wouldn't in my regular daily life. You gain this sense of community whether you have many different classes with some people or you are meeting some for the first time. The funny thing is if I saw a lot of those people on the street or met them in any other situation besides sitting in a class for four hours together I might have made automatic assumptions about them, and not good ones either. Maybe I would have thought I had nothing in common with them whether they were too old, young, loud-mouthed or quiet. Whatever it is I might have said I wasn't anything like them so why try to get to know them right? The thing is, tonight in my class, when everyone was doing their intro, there was not one person I couldn't find something to relate to. I don't like cats either and sometimes I have gummy bears for breakfast too. So what? We are all alike in some way or another so why do we, or at least myself, walk around shutting ourselves off from learning something about every person we meet? Because maybe on the off chance you will find yourself liking something about them or finding out you can't stand them and want them to drop off the face of the Earth. At least you tried. Which is more than I can say for myself sometimes. There was an article I read about an award winning violinist (I think) who dressed up like a bum and played in a subway to see what would happen. The highlight of the video was when a small kid stopped to watch him...then his mother tugged him along on his way. This is a dude that sells out amphitheaters full of fancy people who pay hundreds of dollars for a ticket but because of the way he was dressed, it didn't matter if he played beautifully at all. Makes you think. Challenge to myself: Find one random stranger to have a conversation with this week. They will probably think I am crazy but maybe we will have something in common to share with each other in this crazy, wacky world.